apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
