i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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