Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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