i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
