i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
