i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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