My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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