Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
