Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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