Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize