why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize