there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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