Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
