i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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