Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
