Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
