Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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