I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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