I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm too high and old for this...
Drunk is a universal language darling
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