its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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