i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I want a musical about memes.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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