you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
