After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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