I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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