he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
