I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize