is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Mom said you looked used
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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