can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
