Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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