i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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