Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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