Taylor Swift is so right about you.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
