I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
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