Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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