you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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