Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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