At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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