He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
