I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
