I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
