Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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