Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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