i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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