I got chris browned last night
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
