if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
