Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Also, beer. Big fan.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
