2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
