I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
