her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
