I just threw up on my dentist
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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