Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
