at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
