the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
barbara walters just said penis...
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
