He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Everclear isn't food dammit
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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