You just made me feel so damn special
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
only you would photoshop your dick
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize