Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
