So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
