just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
50% drunk capacity currently
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
