1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
