that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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