You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
