Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
