My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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