Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
