my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
