you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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