I must be too annoying 4 u.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
