her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize